Thursday, May 17, 2007

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone...

I'm such a sap. Jill's out of town for a few days, and I'm just sitting around my apartment. Kinda sad. Missing her. Bored. Etc. I suppose there are plenty of things I could be doing, but instead I'm sitting here dwelling in my malaise. She'll be back in a few days, but man, it's just not the same without her.

Now that school is finally finished (yes, I did finish that last paper. Sort of. I kinda ran out of time, but it wasn't totally horrible. But the best part is that it is finished), I have time to breath again. To enjoy life again. To hang out with Jill, with friends, with all my friends at Briarlake, etc. To read for fun. To rest. To watch movies. You get the point.

And now that I have this free time, I've been feeling kinda weird lately. Not like health-weird, more like a-lot-on-my-mind weird. I find myself locked up inside my head, even when I'm hanging out with Jill or other people. Odd. It happens every now and then, I suppose. I remember times like this in the past, where I would spend more time thinking things over with myself instead of talking to other people. I guess that's just how I roll most of the time. But I need to learn to talk more to other people. To seek their advice, to bounce ideas. We live in community- be it our friends, the church, work, family, whatever. People are communal. I *know* this, I just find it hard to really do. I've always been rather private and more than comfortable keeping to myself. Note to self: open up sometimes- you have someone who will listen.

I don't even know why it happens, why I get lost in my own head. There's not that much there. I guess recently I've spent a lot of time looking toward the future, trying to get my plans set up for next school year, and then after that.... ominous... It's a daunting task, staring "the real world" right in the face and trying not to blink. Come this time next year, I will be a graduate of Candler with a Master's Degree, and trying to find gainful employment. And on a more important, personal level, I'll (Lord willing... seriously. Please?) be with Jill and figuring out where we're going to be and what we'll be doing. All my adult life (so far), I've been able to make decisions based on what I need/want to do. But I'm at a point in my life where I need to think not only of myself, but how those decisions impact others. Not saying that I haven't tried (or should have) to do that in the past, but when it came down to it, I had the final call.

Now things are different. It's a new challenge, and I'm just getting into it. I guess that's why I've been lost in my own thoughts. This whole "thinking bigger than myself" thing is a newish development. Hopefully I won't mess it up. Life is pretty spectacular now, and things are going really well. I just need to step up and be the person I can be. Be the best boyfriend, youth minister, friend, son, whatever, that I can be. And that's probably going to involve me opening up and giving a bit more of myself. Something at which I have not always been the best. So, I guess by writing this out, I'm pushing myself to step up to the challenge. Let's see how this all works out.


1 comment:

Phila said...

Well said.