Hope Still Flies...

It's 6:00am on a Saturday, the one day a week now where I can really sleep in. And I'm wide awake, my mind racing from a weird dream, the substance of which compels me out of bed to process it. I'm one of those (unfortunate?) people who, once my eyes are opened, cannot get back to sleep, regardless of the time at which said eyes open. I'm generally a morning person. If I could get by without sleeping, I often think how much more productive I could be, an extra 7-8 hours a day to do with what I may.

I fought this compulsion to get up as best I could, but eventually I had to cave. I can't really explain it, but I felt like I had no choice but to get up and think about what I had dreamed. To chew on it. To break it apart for meaning, this strange amalgamation of vision and words and experiences. The details themselves are of little interest (I've already forgotten some of them) but safe to say the overarching idea was about closing the door on the last 9 months.

The last 9 months were, safe to say, generally terrible. A soul crushing search for gainful employment, coupled with a move to the middle of nowhere. Car trouble. Family struggles. Wondering if I should go back to school. Examining my vocation. Each assurance that "God has a plan for you" or "It will all work out in God's time" another stab in the heart. Rough times, in all. A life uprooted and tumbled, spilled over and poured out. It was probably the toughest consecutive 9 month stretch I've endured in a long time, if not in the entirety of my 30 years so far. I've done enough whining and venting and ranting about it to fill a novel, so I will leave it at that.

But this dream.

Man, this dream...Whatever it meant, whatever my subconscious was working through..

It felt like hope.

And I was beginning to wonder when I might feel that again.

But it is surging through me right now, and I don't remember the last time I felt this good. I know in large part it is because I now have a job, and one I believe is going to be incredibly fulfilling (though filled with more spreadsheets than I imagined a fulfilling job might) and rewarding and a way to do a LOT of good. But it's more than that.

Something's going on.

I don't know where it goes or what it looks like, but something is at work now that was lying dormant over the last few months. Maybe some grand adventure starts now. Maybe some next step in figuring out who I am. Maybe I just had a confluence of properly timed synapse firings. Whatever it is, I am interested to see where it goes.

Fittingly, as the dream drew to a close and I felt myself awaken, I began to hear (feel? imagine?) the lines from Five Iron Frenzy's "It Was a Dark and Stormy Night." For those of you unfamiliar, below are the lyrics to the song, followed by a link to listen to it. Since waking up around 6 am, I have listened to it probably 25 times.

I can't imagine a more perfect way to wake up, and know that hope still flies.


Hope still flies...

"It was a dark and stormy night last night.
Bitter dark.
Rain fell in torrents, stabbing it’s ghosts through the cold,
And straight through our hearts.

I've been waiting, in halfhearted sleep,
For a promise I half meant to keep.
Just for hoping that hope still flies,
Wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes.

Fog that is lifting,
The spectre of dreams we once had,
Speaks into the night,
Slumber is over, sunlight is streaming through,
Come into the light.


I've been waiting, in halfhearted sleep,
For a promise I half meant to keep.
Just for hoping that hope still flies,
To wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes.


I know,
Hope has not forgotten me,
I know,
I’m waking from the longest dream.
I know,
I know,
I know,
I know...


I've been waiting, in halfhearted sleep,
For a promise I half meant to keep.
Just for hoping that hope still flies,
Wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes.

And hope still flies
And hope still flies

And hope still flies..."

Achievement Unlocked: Obtain Gainful Employment

Finally. After a long, difficult, soul-wrenching search, I have a job.

Last week Jill and I were with her family in California, having a family vacation. Of course, when you're unemployed, every day is a vacation. But not every day is spent in southern California, and least not for me. Anyway, I had been in contact with this prospective employer for a few months, moving from introductory meeting to interview to another interview, etc. The normal employer-employee courting process.

I was hoping to hear from them before leaving for California. And obviously I was hoping the news was positive. Had it been negative, I may have just stayed in California (side note: I don't know if you guys have heard, but California is pretty freakin' awesome.). But no news before we left. At this point, I suppose no news was better than bad news that may have put a dark tarnish on my mood for the week.

About half way through the week, I get an email entitled "Let's talk about the position." Crap. Ominous. Foreboding.

Turns out my suspicions were incorrect. It was actually, "hey let's talk about this position because we want to offer it to you."

And so, I am beyond incredibly pleased to announce that two days after returning from vacation, I began working for the Community Foundation of Morgan County,  as their Program Officer. What does that mean?  What does a Program Officer do? Well, I've been on the job for a grand total of 5 days so far, but I think a fair summary would be to say that I work with the Foundation to help administer their scholarship and grant programs. The Foundation has many different funds that it manages that are designed to provide grants and scholarships for students and groups in Morgan County. Simply put, I get to help students go to college, breaking cycles of poverty, increasing their education and future prospects. I get to help local non-profits reach out to the community to provide a wide range of incredibly important services. I get to be part of an organization that makes a tremendous difference in our area, and I am incredibly honored to be a part of it.

You can check out our website at http://cfmconline.org/ to learn more!

A huge thank you to everyone who helped Jill and I during these last few difficult months by way of prayer, support, networking, putting me in contact with people who might be able to help, prayer, food, pats on the back and such. I appreciate everyone who listened to me rage against the machine, who didn't give me cop out platitudes, but instead commiserated with me and provided their ministry of presence, even when they didn't know they were doing so.

Thanks. Many times over.

This horse is dead...

And yet the beating continues.

Still no job, though I have a couple of prospects in the works. It's the same thing every day. Get up. Eat breakfast. Hunt for jobs. Apply where appropriate, and in some cases, where only tangentially appropriate. Confirm that they received my application. Wait. Distress over how long to wait before contacting them again, seeking to find that balance between showing initiative and interest without being annoying or seemingly high maintenance. Wait some more. Get rejected.

So much rejection. More rejection than I have ever faced in my life.

It's demoralizing.

I'm a skilled, highly educated worker with 10+ years of work experience in a variety of fields (ministry, business, banking, libraries). And yet I can't seem to even get my foot in the door for an interview in most cases. I've had some interviews, even made it to the final 2 of one position (where they ended up hiring someone else from inside, so, yeah...). But mostly it has been one rejection after another.

And at this point, I don't know what else to do. Try to get a job flipping burgers? I'm not even sure they'd hire me. I'm either over qualified for something or under qualified for another.

There are a whole series of issues related to this job hunt: the United Methodist Church itinerancy process and the apparent lack of common sense associated with said process, social isolation, financial problems, family stress, having to drive 25-30 minutes to practically anything, etc.

But the issue weighing most heavily on me is this: what in the world am I doing with my life? 

I don't know, most of the time. If I had a choice, I think I would most enjoy travelling the world with a group of friends having adventures and experiencing awesome things. Sadly, I don't think anyone is going to pay me for that, so I'm left trying to find other gainful employment that I find fulfilling. Which, for me, means that it has to have some sort of positive impact on the world. I want to be a part of something bigger than myself. Some way, some small way, where I can make this world a better place. It's just part of who I am. Part of my faith that, as a follower of Christ, it is incumbent upon me to help, to serve, to make this world more like the Kingdom.

Finding that balance between paying the bills and making a difference is a challenge. And at this point, I am just so frustrated at the 9+ months of spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. As soon as we found out where we were moving, I started looking for job prospects. And I'm still in the exact same spot.

You can make a human being in 9 months. My last 9 months have given birth to nothing but frustration, demoralization and an intense wrestling over my self worth. I know without a doubt that I can be a worthwhile addition to a non-profit or college. But at this point they don't yet seem to agree. So am I just way off base in my self-evaluation? Am I doing something wrong in the application process? Is it really impossible to change your career field (and if so, someone please let college students know before they leave)?

I wake up each day wondering if this will be the day that a job offer comes through. If I'm employable. If things are going to get better. If we will ever truly adjust to living in the middle of nowhere with no friends in the area. 

If there's a point to any of the last 9+ months.

And that's really hard.

Writing on writing

I'm writing about writing. Things are getting a mite meta in here. If someone comments on this post, writing about my writing on writing, we may create some sort of meta-singularity...

I mentioned in my last post that over the last few months I've felt an urge/inspiration to write (which I, in typical form, found a way to ignore and forget and cold shoulder until it dissipated). For a long time, I've had this little nagging desire to write something. To create. To build something of substance out of nothing but ideas and words. This desire was initially sparked by my incredible high school English teacher, Mrs. Smith, the first person I can recall ever encouraging me to write and telling me I had any talent or skill for the task.

For the longest time, I've wanted to write something, likely a novel, but I can never come up with an idea big enough upon which to build said novel. I stumble upon little nuggets of ideas-scenes or phrases or lines of dialogue, but I'm still working on uncovering the heart of this imagined novel, the critical mass that I can develop into a complete work. Spoiler alert- In all likelihood, there will be zombies.

Throughout college and seminary the spark to write was there, but it was constantly drenched by a flood of papers and tests and classes and studying. I loved my field of study, but it was definitely writing-centric, leaving little free time or motivation to do so for fun. After putting together a 15 page paper, finishing just under the deadline, the last thing I wanted to do was sit down to churn out more words on pages. Now that I've been out of school for more than 4 years, I've certainly had the time to write, and even more so over the last 4+ months, but I don't have the motivation that I used to.

What happened to that urge to write?

Where did it go?

I have no clue.

So, in the interest of trying to find it, I'm trying to be more intentional about forcing myself to write. Just write. Sitting down and blogging, or adding to a couple of things I have in the works, writing song lyrics, or grabbing a pen and putting whatever inane thought comes to mind down on paper. Just doing anything to get stuff from my mind out into something tangible/visible. Maybe that act of discipline will kick start the muse I silenced.

A list of stuff that has happened.

Since my last post...

Found out we were moving.
Started job hunting.
Moved.
Applied for numerous (read roughly 30+) jobs.
Was unsuccessful at achieving sustainable employment.
Video gamed. A lot.
Considered becoming a writer.
Lost brief motivation at becoming a writer.
Regained motivation for becoming a writer. Work in progess.
Presided over first wedding.
Bridge Day (highlight of last 6 months).
Rethought (and rethinking) entire vocation/calling/career path.
Began to investigate further educational options.
Moped (As in "moped around the house," not "rode on a moped").
Raged against the machine.

At this point, I don't know where things are headed, but prospects are slim. Look for more posting to commence, as I clearly have nothing else going on.

(Not at) Peace...

One of the best gifts I've ever received...

In case you live under a rock and missed it, Valentine's Day was two days ago. Aside from being a commercial monstrosity of a holiday, it is a day to celebrate love in all its many forms. Traditionally, gifts are exchanged, flowers given, candy bought, etc. Normally guys that are not idiots are giving these gifts to their significant others. As a non-idiot, I had gifts for Jill, and since Tuesdays are the one day a week we have off together, we were fortunate enough to spend the entire day together, so we went out for a lunch date and a movie.

Surprisingly, Jill had a gift for me. And it was one of the coolest gifts I've ever received. She gave me a box, decorated with a few pictures of us, and filled with little slips of paper. Upon each slip was written something that she loved about me (or our relationship together). Simple, sincere and wonderful. For those of you who know Jill, you know that she is not the most sentimental person ever (and I say that only because it amplifies the expression the meaning of this present), but this was truly a gift given with great thought, care and love. Incredibly heartwarming.

I've decided to read one slip a day. The first one was about our shared loved of soft pretzels, which are ridiculously delicious. Yesterday's was about how I let Jill have the remote [This isn't out of magnanimity on my part- Jill simply won't watch most of the stuff I like, so if we're going to watch TV together, it's usually something that makes me want to punch myself in the eye (love you, dear!)].

Today's was about how much she loves my hope for a better world.

After two rather light-hearted things, this one hit me powerfully. I do love soft pretzels, and I do generally let her control the remote, but the fact that I do hope for a better world is kind of at the core of who I, on my best days, consider myself to be. And I really want to thank her for reminding me of this fact.

I don't get overly "religious" on this blog often. For those of you who might read this blog regularly but don't care for Christians/Christianity (because you're tired of obnoxious Bible-thumpers who want to shove it down your throat, or because you find it irrelevant or illogical or just simply something you can't buy into), I hope you won't skip out now, because I think what I'm about to say might still resonate with you.

I do hope for a better world. Hope is a powerful thing. It is central to how I understand Christianity, and my role as a follower of Jesus. Anyone can look around today and see that things are broken, skewed, screwed up; choose your word of choice here. Our situation is untenable long term. We have people starving to death while billionaires wipe their butts with hundred dollar bills. We have religious leaders building cults based on fear, guilt, hate. We have politicians bought and paid for by corporations. Our society has become so fractured and argumentative that we can't even talk to each other constructively. We cannot disagree civilly, in any arena. Instead we yell platitudes at each other, talking points (or even scripture passages?) lobbed back and forth at increasingly louder volumes in an attempt to destroy the other. We have corrupt political systems, destructive economic systems, and manipulative religious systems (including many versions of Christianity, admittedly).

This is broken.

This is foolish.

This is demoralizing.

But this is not the end.

What is is not what has to be. We don't have to live like this. We don't have to live in a broken system. I don't claim to have all the answers, a plan to solve all of this. I know better than that. But I know that we have the capacity for change. We have the ability to fix this. My understanding of how to fix it is drawn in large part from the teaching and example of Jesus, but I'm guessing that the staunchest atheist one might meet  could arrive at similar conclusions without drawing from the same wisdom.

It starts with hope.

Hope for something better. For a world where there is enough for everyone's needs. Where people have fresh water, food in their stomachs, roofs over their heads. Where people are valued for their unique gifts, personalities, passions.   Where we can actually stand to be in the same room with people with whom we disagree. Where people from diverse backgrounds, races, political parties can coexist. Where people can feel whole and loved.

I don't know about you, but that starts to sound a little like the Kingdom about which Jesus spoke. The Kingdom he prayed to see here on earth. The Kingdom.

One of my favorite bands of all time, Five Iron Frenzy, has recently decided to get back together, and they released a song called "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night." Part of the song says "I've been waiting, in halfhearted sleep, for a promise I half meant to keep. Just for hoping that hope still flies, wipe the sleep out of our sleeping eyes. And hope still flies.."

I'm hoping that we will wake from our halfhearted sleep. That we will wake and see that there is hope for something brighter, something better.What is is not what has to be.

I hope.

Grace and Peace...

PS: If you want to hear more Five Iron or learn more about the band, as well as download "It Was A Dark And Stormy Night" for free, check out Five Iron Frenzy.

Cover Songs I Want To Hear

At work today I was listening to lots of cover songs via Spotify. It got me thinking of covers I would like to see. There is an art form to a good cover. The best covers reinterpret a song in an entirely new way, bringing something new to a song, giving it a new life without destroying the song in the process. I have a special affinity for cross-genre covers.

Possibly my favorite cover is Mat Weddle (of the band Obadiah Parker)'s cover of Outkast's "Hey Ya." Google it if you've never heard it. The original song has a lot of heart to it that can get lost in the original. Weddle manages to pull the emotional center of that song into the light with his "guy and a guitar" sound. Pretty impressive.

I've been thinking of other covers that I want to hear.

Bluegrass covers:
Muse - "Knights of Cydonia"
Daft Punk - "Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger"

Another one that could be fun: country cover of LMFAO's "Party Rock Anthem"

My wife is amazing.

She's a rock star, and she just finished up a local community theater production of an original play based on the story of the Prodigal Son, where she was the female lead. Here's a picture of her in action:

She did an incredible job and I just wanted to brag. She was truly awesome in her role, and that's even removing as much bias as I can. She's all sad now, since the show wrapped up yesterday. I always find it incredibly cool to see people doing what they love. Seeing people being completely invested  and engaged in what they are doing always brings a smile to my face, even more so when it's someone I know and love.

So here's to you, dear! You rocked it.

Peace...